*Trigger Warning (TW): this article discusses multiple forms of trauma, including sexual assault, mental health, and suicide.
Before I start writing a piece, I always like to come up with a title that will wrap it up with a pretty bow. Although this title doesn’t flow as nicely as I would like, integration has been the consistent theme of this past year, and it felt right to include it here. If you look up ‘Integrate’ in the dictionary, it reads, ‘combine (one thing) with another so that they become a whole’. But that definition is only just scratching the surface. Integration is the process of taking what you have learned and putting them into a practice so you can experience what it truly means to be whole. It is the difference between knowing something intellectually and feeling it to be true to the core of who you are.
I was not really introduced to this concept until I traveled down to Peru for my birthday last year. It was a trip I had been planning since my recovery started back in 2015. I went to Peru specifically to visit a Retreat Center that specializes in the use of plant medicine, and it was through this journey where Ayahuasca showed me exactly what I needed to integrate in the year to come. So, here we are…about one year later, I am now 28, and the past 365 days have been what you call a rollercoaster ride. Not knowing it at the time, but looking back in hindsight, the ups and downs experienced have filled me with deep knowledge that I am now able to integrate. The lessons I have learned are universal and can be integrated into anyone’s life. I am not special or better than anyone else for having this experience, but I would be amiss not to write about it in hopes that you can take something from it as well.
My journey with Ayahuasca can be summed up into 5 main intentions. I use this word here because setting an intention when working with the medicine can help you remain grounded and present. Before I made my trip to Peru, I had been journaling about my intentions, goals, and areas that I was going there to heal on a deeper level. This was an important part of my experience. It was through the intention setting that I could steer the unconscious of my mind and receive the lessons with Love instead of, Capital ‘F’, Fear. Okay, back to my intentions…these can be summed up with a few words:
Unconditional Love
Life & Death
Trauma & Forgiveness
Being in the body
Creativity
Despite the above being individual lessons from five separate ceremonies, they are all relevant to my everyday life, and something I believe we could all go a bit deeper into.
Unconditional Love – Oh, what a beautiful lesson to learn. This lesson was shown to me in a gentle, yet stern way. It brought to my attention all the areas that I had been neglecting the Love I have for myself. It pointed me towards the parts of my life where I could work a bit harder on letting go of resentments, practicing gratitude for what I have, and it filled me with a deep knowing that what we ALL are is Love, anything else is just an area to learn and grow. Within this ceremony, I was able to heal the pain I was holding onto towards my parents, my greatest teachers in this life. It opened me up to the realization that most people are just in pain and do not necessarily have the tools to move past their own… past. We do not have to settle for less than Love because we are all capable of expanding on the unconditional Love that exists inside of us.
Life & Death – I went into this ceremony with the intention of understanding my relationship with death. I have lost a handful of people at such a young age that I was struggling to see the lesson behind it. I also wanted to see the greater picture behind my own suicide attempt and why I had been so desperate to escape this life. Within this ceremony space, I had to experience every emotion I had ever pushed down. Truly feel them. That makes for a long ceremony when you are being flooded with shame, joy, guilt, happiness, and any other emotion that was, at some point, scary for me to feel in my journey. As this ceremony began to wrap up there was a mantra the medicine kept telling me on repeat…’I am whole, I am safe, I am Love.’ It is these words that I remind myself of when feeling less than, inadequate, or small. There is light all around us and Life is just nudging us in that direction if we are paying attention.
Trauma & Forgiveness – This night instilled a lot of fear in me. Before this night, I had no fear of what Ayahuasca was capable of showing me. I went into this entire experience open to what I may need to see so I can heal on the deepest level. Well, I guess I got what I was asking for because the third ceremony showed me memories that I had buried deep into my unconscious. My intention for this night was to heal my relationships; to be shown the areas where I could be a better lover, friend, daughter, and human to those in my life. To receive this answer, Aya shot me right back into the most toxic relationship I have ever been in. It brought to the light areas where I have been avoiding commitment out of fear because I allowed one person to steal my power and my voice. Throughout this night, I had a hard time adjusting to an intense pain located in the center of my throat. The resolution occurred when I asked the medicine to show me what was stuck there. What came up was a memory of physically being held down by the throat. It all flooded back and I was suddenly reliving a trauma I pushed down to protect myself. I had to forgive to get through this. I forgave the person from my past, but the most impactful forgiveness was for myself. The lesson came when I took my power back. By acknowledging the treatment I settled for when I didn’t know better, I was released of the trauma I didn’t know I was holding onto. This night ended in blissful peace. I was able to breathe again, or better yet, it felt like I was breathing for the first time.
Being in the Body – Due to my third ceremony being so intense, I decided to take this night a little easy. Because of this, I was able to experience what it is like to be fully present in the body. As someone who spends most of their waking moments in the chaos of their mind, I was grateful to experience what it’s like when both your mind and body link up in unity. It was quite beautiful. It showed me how important it is to take care of this ‘meat suit’ I was given. To love it, nurture it, and repair it when it whispers, ‘Slow down. I need some time.’ Although not such an easy task to bring back with you to your own reality, this experience forever lives as a reminder that when both your mind and body are on the same page, a lot of healing can occur in those moments of being in sync. It is something worth practicing, working towards, and integrating into your everyday life.
Creativity – I did not go into this last ceremony with an exact intention, per se. I asked the medicine to ‘Show me all the colors that the world has to offer’ and I was not disappointed in what was delivered to me. I have always had somewhat of a darker lens when viewing life. I acquired these lenses over my lifetime from observing others’ behaviors, complex traumas, and through making my own various mistakes/hitting rock bottoms. What I was firmly and gently told in this ceremony was that ‘life is not as serious as I try to make it’, and with that came, damn near five hours of deep belly laughter. I kid you not; I ‘purged’ laughter the entire night. By the end of the ceremony, the world around me had this glow about it. The darker lenses had been removed and I was instantly moved by the beauty around me; beauty that is always there if we are able to remove the shades over our eyes. To say that this has been the case for me since I left Peru would be a lie, but the feeling of it still exists within me. I have access to it at all times; we all do. Sometimes all we need to do is laugh, it is, as they say, the best medicine there is.
I should have posted this on the 14th of January; my actual birthday. I wasn’t ready to post it just yet. To be honest, I was a little afraid of posting this one. There is a part of me that was worried about how others may interpret, or read this through their own perspective. I am posting it because I have no control over how someone else may see my experience. What I must remember is that anyone’s judgment, or misunderstanding about how I live my life has nothing to do with me. That goes for any, and all of us. We must not be afraid to speak our truth or share ourselves with the world out of fear for how it may be interpreted by another. We can only do our best to be our most authentic selves and celebrate gratitude for those that see us for who we truly are.
With that said, if I still have your attention, I see you, I love you, and I am grateful that you are with me. Thank you. Thank you for reading.
Megan Lawrence