People sometimes ask me if there is anything in particular that made me get sober, like an 'aha' moment.
It made me think. And the answer is no, not really. That's not how it was for me.
Everyone is different, but for me I would have to say that it was more of a gradual awakening. Basically, it occurred to me there was a problem when I was 20 years old. I sort of sought help after friends & family staged an intervention and I even tried a few 12-step meetings but I think I concluded I was too young to have a real problem. Maybe I was just "in a phase". Or so I hoped. Plus, I thought it was relatively "normal" to be a black-out binge-drinker. And sadly, it kind of was. So, I went back to my self-destructive ways and didn't decide to stop for another 6 years.
At that point, I had 20 almost-DUIs and there was a constant dull aching playing like background music in my life of being reminded daily that I wasn't living a good or full or semi-peaceful life, the one I knew deep in my heart I was capable of living. I just wanted peace in my heart and peace in my mind and I was so far from it. I figured there had to be something more to life and some other way to live besides what I knew which was mere existence and self-sabotage in between intensely suffocating shame overs from doing things like blowing lines of cocaine off public toilet seats and sleeping with men I didn’t want to.
I thought: there HAS to be a better way, and I NEED to find it. Or else, what is the point? I was frequently suicidal and came to a crossroads where I was either going to put my energy towards getting well or I was going to exit this life. So, I timidly, reluctantly, and pensively gave it (it being sobriety) a try. No major rock bottom (unless you consider dreading every day that I woke up a bottom), no court orders, no job loss, home loss, custody loss. But I wasn't gaining any of those things either.
I just tried the new way, not knowing how it would end up. There's no way to know, ever. I didn't look at the top of the staircase, only the tip of the very first step.
And now, I’m over 5 years clean & sober today. I could sum it up in one sentence--"a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition"--but I'm going to write more. I'm just eternally and completely struck with gratitude that I didn't quit the hundreds of times I wanted to, whether by using or actual suicide.
I don't hate my checkered past; I kind of love it.
I don't regret the drinks I had, the drugs I took, the cigs I chain-smoked, the food I binged on, or the boys I hooked up with just for attention. I don't regret any of the ways I self-destructed and caused pain to myself and to the people who loved me. I don't hate that I people-pleased my way through life because I had no idea who I was.
I don't even cringe when I look back. I used to. I have enormous compassion for that little girl, my younger self. She was just trying to get her needs met and didn't know a better way. I forgive her for not knowing. And I applaud her for being willing to learn now and transforming herself into one badass woman.
As low as I fell is as high as I’m rising.
^Click on my name! It will take you to my page! Thank you for reading!
Editor's note:
I have had the pleasure of knowing Sasha for over a year now. Virtually, of course. I was introduced to her through Instagram, and it was apparent from the beginning, that she was someone I wanted to have in my circle, no matter what the distance was between us. You can have friends without ever meeting them. We live in that kind of world now. (I personally, think that is what is so awesome about the time we find ourselves in.)
Anyways, Sasha is just one of those people that you are intrigued by. There is a light about her that tells you she means well, and there is an authenticity about her that makes you feel safe. I couldn't say enough good things about her. I just kindly ask that you take a look for yourself. Give up 5 minutes of your time and browse her own page. See what she is about. We need more people like Sasha, and there is something for everyone to take away from her work.
Find out for yourself how I knew right away that Sasha was an incredible human being. You can contact her through the links below:
Or you can email her at, sashatozzi84@gmail.com